FOB’s, YAP’s and TAB’s. There are a lot of jokes on them, degrading ones at that, floating around the American fraternity, time and again. I have been part of a vehement opposition to FOB jokes on newbie’s but just cannot help laughing out on some of the most ridiculous ones.
* * * * *
I remember Shrek telling me of one incident he saw at his university’s Public Safety Department. The lady behind the glass asked the newbie, “May I have your local address, Sir.”
The first criterion that differentiates a SuperFOB from a FOB is the reluctance of the SuperFOB to accept his knowledge of English as minimal and probably, as is the wont in most cases, assume his command of English as next only to John Milton.
So, this particular newbie somehow figured out that she was asking him about the local dress (address) used back home and what followed was a ridiculously hilarious dialogue.
FOB: Nowadays, people just use a pant and a shirt.
Public Safety Employee: I asked what would your local address is, Sir.
FOB: Yeah. We just use trousers and shirts. Even the girls have started to use them of late.
Public Safety: Sir, Please tell me what your local address is.
FOB: The local dress… You mean… Well, the villagers still wear kurtas and pyjamas, but they are almost like the trousers which we use here.
Public Safety: I do not understand what you are saying. I just wanted to know what the local address of yours is.
FOB: Yeah… the correct term for our local dress would be laalchi-pyjama…
And before he could tell more, Shrek stepped in and stopped the mayhem. A visibly exasperated public safety staff could only be amused at the stupidity of the FOB.
* * * * *
On a recent trip to Chicago, Tom provided us with one of the biggest FOB goof-ups I have heard in recent times.
We were driving towards the John Hancock Tower and we saw the below traffic sign beside the road.
Me: Shrek, Drive carefully. They have a red light photo enforced sign.
Tom: You ass. There is the ‘Green Light Photo Enforced’ sign so clearly. Have your eyes checked.
Me: (to myself) Green ??? I am sure I saw Red in there.
At the next traffic signals, before I could say anything,
Tom: Look there. How clearly it is written Green Light Photo Enforced.
Me: What the heck? Where does it say Green?
Tom: Are your eyes fucked up? It so clearly says green.
At the next traffic lights, we literally stopped the car beside the road and asked Tom, where he could see Green Light mentioned on the sign.
Tom: You bloody idiots. Can’t you see that big green circle just to the left of the photo. What does it mean? Not a green light… Huh???
I could not help but use the choicest of abuses to tell him that according to him, the sign board should be read as – “Red Red Yellow Light Green Photo Enforced.”
We laughed all our way to the tower and when we were returning pointed out to him – “Hey Tom, there goes your Green Light Photo Enforced.”
And Tom in all his innocence, muttered, “I wonder what’s wrong with you assholes, I still don’t understand why you are making fun of me when it so clearly mentions Green Light Photo Enforced.”
* * * * *
Irrespective of what you think of the above incidents, this one takes the cake. And how.
One of my friends took his junior, a FOB, to Panda Express.
The newbie ordered some Orange chicken and look at his reply, when the lady behind the counter asked him – “For Here or To Go Sir.”
SuperFOB: I am here for my Masters but I want to go back to India.
* * * * *
God save the FOB’s.
Mirror, Mirror on the wall... 